Where I Am Now….
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To most people, I appear healed. It would take the average person to notice the subtle things, like how I can’t turn my head all the way, and how much I have trouble with using my arms above my head to get things off a top rack or shelf. To most, I walk fine, I talk fine, I smile fine, I have a few extra scars but so what…. I am healed but not healed.
Today, it has been 3.5 months since I nearly died under the wheels of my car – now named Voldemort after giving me a large “Harry Potter” scar, among dozens of other injuries.
I am sure I am farther along in the healing process than most doctors could have imagined. But, then, they don’t know me. They don’t know that, when faced with challenges, I rise to defeat all odds. It’s who I am. That’s what I was born to do. And this was the biggest challenge I have ever faced. So, I rose even harder.
So, let’s do a recap on what it’s been like since I last posted this summer….
Arteries are kinda important
After a couple of weeks at home, I visited the neurologist who is responsible for overseeing my vertebral artery occlusion and he gave me clearance to start maintaining a normal life – meaning, I could start riding the exercise bike and doing things to increase my circulation. As a recap, I have a vertebral artery that’s more or less squished like a straw. Even worse, it has a blood clot hanging out in it, which, if a piece breaks loose, could give me a stroke. I have been on a double dose of blood thinners – daily doses of Xeralto and low-dose Asprin, to help prevent my brain from getting clogged. The scan I had back in August more or less showed that there wasn’t much change in the damaged vertebral artery, which feeds my cerebellum, the part of the brain that is the hub of one’s balance and movement. Earlier scans taken in the hospital show signs that I suffered a small stroke in this part of the brain, likely during the trauma. But physical therapy has shown that I have basically no symptoms of said stroke…. thankfully. The plan is for me to remain on blood thinners until at least January, when more scans will evaluate the status of the occlusion/clot.
You may ask… “Wait, so if your artery is blocked, how is your cerebellum getting blood supply?” That’s one of the cool things about the body. The vertebral artery is separated into a right side and a left side that merge together before they enter the base of the brain. While my right side is blocked, the left side has gone into overdrive, pumping extra blood that is needed into that part of the brain. In fact, hospital scans seemed to indicate that blood was actually backflowing into the right artery, essentially pushing backwards on the clot, helping to prevent it from breaking free. Just the first example of how amazing the body can be.
The femur
The femur fracture in my left leg was the quickest injury to heal. I was astonished at how quick it was. If you read previous posts, I was allowed to bear weight on that leg as soon as the rod was put in, as long as the pain was tolerable. Well, here’s the thing. If you know me, you know my high tolerance for pain… So, the femur fracture didn’t stop me much.
After the neurologist cleared me to start exercising vigorously, I did. Having anticipated this, I purchased a recumbant stationary bike, as my neck could not handle an upright bike yet. Biking for long periods of time allowed me to gain valuable strength in my legs. It also allowed me to start feeling human again. Exercise does so much for the mind and body alike.
As the end of August neared, I could feel changes in my femur. About 6 weeks after the surgery, it started to not have any pain while standing on the hurt leg. This signified that the calcification was getting to be solid enough to do more – like walk longer distances. My hip, however, sometimes hurt after walking or standing for longer periods, so I was a little leary. Thankfully, I was able to persuade my visiting friend, Natalie, to “take me for a walk” – kinda like I was a dog or something 😉
I had her take me on Peanut Lake Road, a mostly quiet dirt road, largely flat, and definitely beautiful. That way, if I started hurting, she could always walk back and get the car. But, it didn’t hurt – well, not much anyway. And I found that my hip actually felt better the more that I walked. We walked over 2.5 miles on Peanut Lake Road and the Lower Loop Trail, just 2 weeks after I was cleared for vigorous exercise. A couple of days later, I walked with my visiting parents 3.5 miles from the town of Crested Butte to my home at the base of the ski area. It was all uphill from there ;)\
A neck like the “Tin Man”
The worst injury I incurred was the broken neck. Obviously, the fracture of it is closely related to the aforementioned problems with the vertebral artery. While in the hospital, I had two surgeries to fuse the C5 to T1 vertebrae and wore a cervical neck brace for over 7 weeks, 6 weeks after both surgeries were complete. But by the end of August it was time to start weening off the neck brace… the same time that I was starting to walk/hike.
I was ready to get rid of the neck brace. Things like washing my face, brushing my teeth, eating, and drinking were a lot more difficult with it on. Every time I ate, I felt like a 2 year old, because so much food ended up all over both me and the floor. So, ditching that thing was certainly a blessing. However, I was still not allowed to turn my neck a whole lot. Subtle movements were allowed, but I a was not permitted to work on increasing my range of motion. My neck was so weak, and my head continued to move with my torso instead of independent of it, so I felt like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. Sometimes it creaked just like the Tin Man too. For real.
However, I didn’t ditch the neck brace entirely right away. My femur had healed far faster than my neck, and I was hiking longer and longer distances, over more and more difficult terrain. But, because I was still physically weaker than I wanted to be, I would tire easier, which made me prone to tripping. And tripping hurt my neck. Plus, as I tired, I actually found it hard to hold my head up. It’s weird to say that. But, it was actually hard to hold it up. I guess that’s what babies struggle with too. So, I kept wearing the neck brace to protect my sping while hiking into mid-October.
Arms like a puppet
My upper body took a much harder hit from the trauma and surgeries than my lower body. A broken sternum caused me pain in the hospital, and maybe a week after discharge, but it healed relatively quickly. But, the soft tissue damage from both the trauma and surgeries took much longer to heal. I had, and continue to have, pain in my pectoral muscles – likely due to muscle tears. And my upper chest, shoulders and back were so tight that I had trouble putting my arms above my head.
Then, there was the weakness. When I was discharged from the hospital, my left arm was so weak that I could not press down on a soap dispenser hard enough to get the soap out. As my femur’s healing accelerated, I focused on gaining strength and mobility in my upper body. By the end of September, my arms were going easier above my head, although still with some pain.
A Stuffy Head
When I was in the hospital, I wanted to prove to myself that nothing was wrong with my brain. I made a concerted effort to remember every nurse’s and doctor’s and PA’s name. And I did a pretty good job. But, I still had trouble with high level thinking – any time I’d have to think critically or do problem-solving – it was like my brain could not work. This lasted for a few weeks after being discharged from the hospital too.
Cap that off with some obvious PTSD that I was going through for awhile…. I never had panic attacks or anxiety. And for that, I am thankful. My brain didn’t choose to forget much about my experience, but rather it decided to play it over and over and over in my head, like a video where there was no pause or stop. And it would do it spontaneously too. Sometimes something would trigger it – like an episode of Friends where a random guy was hit by a car. Or Frank and I decided to watch a Will Ferrel movie, Stranger than Fiction, expecting a comedy. Instead it was another somber story where a guy eventually gets run over by a bus. Do you know how much this is shown on shows and movies? It turns out, a whole heck of a lot – even the comedies!
But other times they would just come without warning, for no apparent reason at all. With so many appointments that I could not drive myself to yet, I sought the aid of online counseling. I guess my brain is incredibly resilient, because this was all it really needed. I think having been completely open and honest about my experience the whole time has helped. But, I can honestly say that I don’t have PTSD symptoms anymore.
Driving
I was scared to start driving again… for a few reasons. One, I was allowed to start driving as soon as I ditched the neck brace. But, I wasn’t allowed to turn my head a whole lot. So, my driving would be compromised. And, I really didn’t want to get into even a fender bender, as that too would hurt my neck. But, driving is important. I needed to do it for my jobs. I needed to do it to hike more things. I needed to do it for my independence. So, sometime in early September I had Frank take me for a drive, except I was the driver. A few trips between the town of Crested Butte and the mountain, and I had gained enough confidence to drive on my own. It’s a blessing we live in a rural town without much traffic, no stop lights, and not a single two lane road. Driving was easy in Crested Butte.
People have asked me if I had PTSD flashbacks while starting to drive. The answer is no. The accident didn’t happen with me in the car, I was outside the car. Sure, I pause when I put the car into park. and I pause every time I open the trunk. I think these responses are perfectly normal. Shortly after the accident, we talked about selling my car and me getting a new one. But, it turns out I kinda like Voldemort – especially the backup camera which I never used until he decided to break my neck. Besides, every time you buy/sell something, loss is incurred. I’d rather that money go to paying my plethora of medical bills right now.
The Camino
It’s literally translated as “The Way”. We had the trip planned to Spain to hike the Camino back in January but after the accident, Frank and I decided not to go. But, when my parents visited during the second half of August, and I started to actually be able to walk long distances, we changed our minds.
Originally, when we planned on doing the Camino, I thought it would be fun opportunity to do something cool. It didn’t have a whole lot of meaning, other than to just check off that specific experience from the list. But, it turns out the Camino was the perfect healing adventure. First, it was non-threatening – the trails were wide, not too loose most of the time, and usually not very steep. So, it was not technical. But, also, the trails weren’t exactly remote either. Every few miles we would pass through a village where you could easily call a taxi to take you to your finishing point if you could not go on that day. So, I always had options if I felt like it would not be good for me to go farther. Third, the Camino is more than just a hike. It’s a mindful journey as well. The origin of the Camino is religious in roots as pilgrims journeyed to Santiago de Compostelo to visit the tomb of St. James. While modern-day pilgrims aren’t always on the Camino for truly religious purposes, most people do some soul searching along the way. It’s a good time for people like me to reflect on the meaning of life – kinda like the Monty Python movie.
It turns out, I was able to walk the Camino in its entirety (and then some) from Sarria to Santiago de Compostelo, over 115 km over 5 days, just 3 months after my horrible accident.
The third day was the crux of the voyage. And I honestly didn’t know if I could do it. We had to hike 18 miles that day, which ended up being more like 21, in the pouring rain.
But, just being in Europe in general was good for my healing. Just being in the cities alone challenged me. Walking on cobblestone streets, worrying about tripping without a neck brace, while having to navigate around crowds of fast-moving people was honestly hard. Going to art museums and having to look up to see the cool stuff was hard too. Carrying my luggage – I could not have done it without help. All these things that we take for granted in our daily lives were still hard for me. But, but the end of the trip, these too had gotten better.
Overall strength
I lost about 15 pounds during my stay in the hospital. And it wasn’t the kind of weight I wanted to loose – it was mostly muscle. Never had I felt so weak in my life, so helpless, and tired so incredibly easy. Obviously, the lower body strength came back first. But up until 3 months after the accident, which coincided with our trip to Spain and Portugal, I wasn’t even allowed to lift more than 15 pounds with my arms. But, upon return from Europe I started hitting the gym and lifting light weights. My arms and shoulders and back continue to strengthen exponentially, as does the strength of the rest of my body.
The neck is the limiting factor
During our trip to Spain and Portugal, I was allowed to start working on range of motion in the neck. And gaining this range of motion is truly the crux of my healing. It’s taking a long time, though I work at it every day. But since my neck was immobile for so long, lots of scar tissue built up. Every now and then when I do my physical therapy, a horrid noise comes creaking through my neck – and it moves a little further. It’s the noise of that scar tissue tearing.
Fusions like mine take a long time to heal. A recent x-ray from a couple of weeks ago shows that bone growth is just starting between the vertebrae. It’s been 4 months since the fusion, and the bone is just starting to grow there, yet it’s solid as a brick in my femur. The body is so weird. The neck is the reason why I can’t bike outside or can’t ski yet. The neck is the crux of my healing.
The other injuries
I had a lot of injuries. Aside from breaking my neck, sturnum, and femur, I also broke my little finger – but that wasn’t discovered for weeks after the accident.
Since then, I have been going to occupational therapy. But, because it went so long without being treated, the healing is slow. It’s a lot of work to get my finger to go straight, and I have a medieval torture tool as well as a nighttime splint that helps me. But, a few hours later, it just goes crooked again. At least I don’t need to go straight to be able to bike or ski again 😉
I suffered numerous lacerations on my head and arms and legs. My Harry Potter scar healed fast because it was treated well. They decided to stitch it up after they said they could see my scalp through the gaping cut. But a laceration in the back of my head went undetected for days and took over a month to heal as a result. Many other cuts took their time too – I was amazed at the damage to the skin on my legs considering I was wearing ski pants and leggings during the incident. Imagine how bad it might have been if I was not….
I also have twin lumps in my thighs….. Okay, let’s back up here. While I remember bracing for the tire to roll over my neck, I have no memory of things happening to my lower body. I was in shock when I sat up and noticed my femur was broken. But, evidence indicates that a tire rolled over that part of my body too, as I have matching lumps on either side of my thighs. The left one is largely due to the surgery to fix my femur. But a matching lump exists on my right leg, in the exact same placement as the left. However, this, I am told, is a seroma – different than a hemotoma as it doesn’t contain much blood. It’s full of other fluid though – or at least it was. I had it drained twice and some awful rusty colored stuff came out of it. A lot of fluid was aspirated the first time, but not a whole lot the second. Yet, the lump still remains. I continue to keep an Ace bandage wrapped around it with hopes that the compression will help the body naturally reabsorb it. That has been helping, but a lump still remains.
Then there is the hair. This is less noticable to just about everyone else but me. I lost about 1/3 of my hair while in the hospital. Part of this was because of the lacerations on my head and the associated blood that encrusted my hair so much it basically had to get ripped out. The other part was lost because my hair did not get brushed for days, resulting in unintentional dreadlocks, which also basically got ripped out. And then there was the back of the neck hair which they actually just cut off during my second neck surgery.
(The first of many hair-detangling sessions).
Where I am now
I am still healing. But every day I get stronger and more and more like myself. A couple of months ago, I claimed I was at 50% strength. Now, I’d say it’s more like 75%. Definite improvement, but the most difficult thing about healing is that it starts to slow as you are further along in the healing process. The last 5 to 10% of the healing is the hardest and takes the longest. And my pace to approach even that level has slowed, which is natural. I don’t see day to day improvements anymore. Improvements are more every few weeks, or month to month. But, I remain focused. I spend an average of 4 hours a day dedicated to my healing. Healing remains a part-time job for me.
The other hard part is my appearance. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, to most people I appear healed. Or they would never even know I was hurt in the first place. I am healed, but not healed. I still feel pain. Some daily tasks that were easy to me before my accident remain difficult, like lifting just about anything above my head or turning my head around to do things like back up a car. Even when I walk down a crowded street or store, I still worry about people running into me and hurting my neck. Driving over speed bumps hurts even more. Getting items off the top shelf of the grocery is as hard as climbing a mountain.
But, I remain positive and overall thankful to be alive.
I am a butterfly quietly emerging from my cacoon. I am not ready yet, but one day I will fly.
- Mount Buckskin (17 May 2020) - May 28, 2020
- Horseshoe Ski (14 May 2020) – The mountain whose journey nearly killed me - May 27, 2020
- Sayres X-Rated Ski (10 May 2020) - May 19, 2020
Thanks for the summary Brittany. I’m glad to hear things are on the mend, slow as parts may seem. I hope you’re out on skis soon and your neck starts cooperating a bit more.
Thanks John!